It's the most common self esteem issue of the 21st century - no one is satisfied with the way they look.
I know I'm not alone in this problem. Both men and women are doing anything and everything they can to make themselves both look and feel better - from vegan diets to going to the gym five times a week guzzling down protein shakes in between sessions. With popular films and TV parading stick thin girls who look amazing in everything and men who have defined muscles in their ears in our faces, it's hard to not get insecure about the way we look when it's all we consume in our downtime. Yet for the unmotivated and the overweight, its not always easy to get into a routine where this is achievable. Being surrounded by incredibly fit people running 10 miles on a treadmill and lifting incredible weights is daunting to the gym newcomer, when we're getting out of breath after 5 minutes of a gentle jog and constantly catching glances of how big your muffin top is in the gym clothes you weren't sure were suitable in the first place.
My own personal story begins as a 16 year old. I was just leaving secondary school, about 9 stone and still didn't think i was skinny enough. I always used to be envious of the girls I spent my time with and how they looked in clothes, not realising until years later that I looked just as good as they did. I was always too fat, too flabby, ate too much crap and didn't do enough sit ups. Yet still I did nothing about it. At 17 I moved to a new college, met new people and went through a considerable amount of crap that caused drastic weight change. I got heavier and flabbier, moaned constantly yet didn't make the concious effort to change anything. If anything, I made it worse by eating my feelings. 4 years later, having survived the most horrific year of my life I can say that I'm 90% happy. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a good job and I'm (hopefully) on track to get a decent result from my degree. My one problem? The way I look.
Don't get me wrong, I know that I want to do something about the way I look. I hate the way that stretch marks plague my midsection like a virus. It seems like every time I catch myself in the mirror after a shower they've spread further. I'll start doing a fitness video, die after the first 10 minutes, promise myself that I'll make it through tomorrow then never do it again. I have several problems when it comes to weight loss that just make everything ten times harder.
Procrastination is my superpower... and a disease.
Whether it's uni work or just something simple like emptying the dishwasher, if I can put off doing it I will. I'll watch TV, binge watch 10 episodes of Orange is the New Black on Netflix for the 5th time or get engrossed in a game, and before I know it it's 3am and I have to be up in 4 hours in time for uni, or work. I try and get myself into a routine of doing exercise, last for a few days and then stop after having a particularly hard day at work and not start again. This does nothing but cause an intense amount of stress when I have 2000 word essays in that I haven't started 24 hours before the deadline, and leads me to complain about how I look yet never do anything about it. Something else that needs to change.
I still live at home with my parents, and hate telling them I want to do something...
Another part of weight loss is dieting, something that is easier to get behind than exercise but still difficult. I don't know if this is just me, but I absolutely despise telling my parents that I'm trying to achieve something or I have done something commendable. From an early age I've had this problem, choosing not to practice instruments or sing in the house for fear that one or both of my parents would tell me I was doing well or it sounded nice - all it would lead to would be embarrassment, mixed with insecurity and would cause me to stop. This has continued for as long as I've lived with my parents - I don't tell them when I've done well in uni, don't tell them if I've had a good day at work, and don't tell them about my ambitions for weight loss. I don't want them to be disappointed in me when I fail. This makes dieting incredibly difficult to do when at home, I can't make my entire family diet by cooking all the family meals, and requesting ingredients means that I'll have to tell them why I want them.
I'm horribly, horribly asthmatic and unfit
Being unfit is already an obstacle when it comes to doing more exercise, yet I have the added bonus of having bad asthma. Five minutes of running and I feel like my chest is smaller than a pin prick and no air can get into my burning lungs no matter how hard I try. Exactly what you need when you're trying to lose weight. Yet another obstacle I have to overcome. Only this one is a little more difficult. While it's obvious that the more you exercise the more you get used to it and can go for longer, constantly having to take an inhaler, something that costs me £8 every time I need a new one, means it runs out faster and causes me more expense. Something I neither like nor can always afford - and getting caught without an inhaler when you're in the middle of an asthma attack is not an enjoyable experience.
How I'm going to start...
The first steps are always the hardest, which is why I've a short term goal in mind. The aim is to tone up and lose a bit of weight to fit into a dress I just bought from Boohoo (I'll leave the link at the bottom of the page). If I can get a 'you look really good' or a 'wow look at you' from my boyfriend in the dress, then it's a win in my book. I'm okay with not losing a huge amount of weight, as long as I'm not sticking out in all the wrong places and only being able to hide it by looking like a sack of potatoes. The start will include cutting out junk food and fizzy drinks, doing a few exercises before going to bed (hopefully this will make me sleep better as well, since this is something else I struggle with), and cutting down on portion sizes. Hopefully, by this time next month, there'll be a significant improvement on not only on my weight loss journey, but also my self esteem. I'll try to update regularly, with exercises I've done, healthy recipes I find and how I'm feeling overall.
How will this blog help?
Honestly? This may just be a way for me to vent my feelings. Even if no one reads this, I'll still use this blog as a way of saying the things I feel I can't say to anyone else. But if there is someone reading this, then thank you, because updating this blog is the motivation I need to actually do something to change. And if you're in a similar position to me and you find what I say to be useful, then I'm glad I could help you, even if it's just by finding a healthy recipe you enjoyed.
Please, don't be afraid to tell me how things are making you feel. If you think I could do something better, tell me. If you have any suggestions on both exercise and cooking, tell me. It's always nice to know you're not alone.
Boohoo dress - http://www.boohoo.com/restofworld/going-out-dresses/plus-daisy-contrast-asymmetric-bodycon-dress/invt/pzz97369
